Europe in 2025 is like that friend who can’t decide between pizza and tacos – endlessly conflicted, hungry for both, but afraid of commitment. And with Trump back in the White House and Xi flexing China’s economic muscles, the EU is sweating harder than a sauna full of diplomats.

The latest European Think-Tank Network on China (ETNC) report—essentially a 300-page stress journal—confirms what we all suspected: Europe is trying (and failing) to play both sides.

1. “De-Risking” in Theory, Chinese Cash in Reality

Europe’s China policy has become a masterclass in contradictions.

• Brussels officials: “We must reduce dependency on China!”
• European businesses: “But… they’re our biggest customer?”

Germany, France, and Italy keep shouting about “strategic autonomy” while quietly rolling out the red carpet for Chinese investment. Take German carmakers – officially, they support “values-based trade.” Unofficially, they’d sell a BMW if it meant keeping market share.

Even hardliners like Poland and Lithuania can’t resist the sweet, sweet cash flow of Chinese rail trade (despite calling Beijing “a threat”). The ETNC report basically concludes: “The louder a country screams about de-risking, the more it probably needs China.”

2. Trump 2.0: Europe’s Worst Sequel

The report’s biggest nightmare? Trump’s back, baby.

Remember when he called the EU a “foe”? Well, buckle up—this time, he wants 20% tariffs on European cars. Which means:

• Eastern Europe (Poland, Baltic states): “Yay! More America, less China!”
• Western Europe (France, Germany): “Merde… do we really have to choose?”

One French analyst joked: “Macron’s ‘strategic autonomy’ slogan now sounds less like policy and more like a midlife crisis.”

3. Europe’s Pipe Dream: “Strategic Whatever”

The EU loves buzzwords. “Strategic autonomy” sounds cool—until you realize it means:

• Building its own army (but still relying on NATO).
• Making its own chips (while importing 85% of solar panels from China).
• “De-risking” supply chains (but still buying everything from rare earths to iPhones from Asia).

The report brutally points out: “Europe’s green transition? Made in China. Its security? Rented from America.”

In short: The EU is that guy who brags about ‘self-sufficiency’ while DoorDashing every meal.

4. Europe’s China Policy: A Messy Family Dinner

The report splits the EU into three camps:

• “Let’s Be Friends” (Germany, France, Hungary) – “Trade with China is fine as long as we avoid eye contact when politics come up.”
• “China is Evil” (Lithuania, Sweden) – “Sanction them! (But, uh, keep buying our stuff?)”
• “Depends Who’s in Office” (Italy, Spain) – “One day pro-China, next day anti-China – like a rom-com with more sanctions.”

The best part? Germany- the EU’s so-called leader, still won’t call China a ‘systemic rival.’ Why? Because if they did, BMW’s stock would drop faster than a lead balloon.

5. The Brutal Truth: Europe is Stuck

The ETNC report’s conclusion? Europe is screwed.

• If it picks the US, it loses China’s market.
• If it picks China, it loses America’s security umbrella.
• If it tries staying neutral, both Washington and Beijing will hate it.

So what’s the solution? “Good question,” laughs the report. “We’ll get back to you in another 300 pages.”

Final Verdict: Indecision is a Decision

At a Brussels panel, one exhausted EU diplomat put it best:

“We all want ‘strategic autonomy.’ But when the bill comes, suddenly everyone’s ‘just browsing.’”

And that, folks, is the real European Consensus: Waffling indefinitely while praying nothing explodes.

(Full report available, leave your mail.)